Here's my first "family" Holiday write-up that I did back in 2000:
Wow, another year has gone by already. And what a year it
was! Yasmeen gave birth to our 4th child in July. We named her Rebecca.
Unfortunately, Yasmeen was high on heroin for most of the pregnancy and Rebecca
was born hooked on the drug. After several weeks of rehab, I can proudly say
that Rebecca is clean and sober. Yasmeen, however, refuses to admit she has a
problem. I'm constantly finding stashes of her junk all over the house. Of
course, I'm selling it to get money to feed my gambling habit. Please note the
new address on the envelope, as we have had to move several times in the past
year to avoid my "creditors".
The kids are little spunkers! Little Jeffrey said
his first word. It sounded like "gaahk". He was smiling when he said it, so I
think it means "gas". He still poops too much. I gotta talk to him about that.
Sally, who is 4, is starting to wear dresses now. I think she looks like a
whore. She wears skimpy tops, fishnet stocking and heels and struts up and down
the street saying things like, "Hey there big boy. Wanna roll me for a quarter?"
I gotta talk to her soon, too. Come to think of it, that's how I met Yasmeen in
the first place. Our son Jackson started the 2nd grade this year. He seems to
have a problem with authority figures, especially me. I woke up the other night
and he was standing over me holding a bottle of drain cleaner. He told me the
sink was stopped up. I checked. It wasn't. Another one I gotta talk to. Connie,
our oldest, is running with a street gang that goes by the name of The Cheekiest
Group Of Guys Around. Ever since she started hanging out with them, she's been
walking kinda bow-legged. She's dropped out of school and refuses to do any
chores around the house. All she does during the day is listen to music by
Anthrax, Megadeath, Iron Maiden and Air Supply. At night she hangs out with her
gang. We're going to kick her out if she doesn't shape up soon.
We have a
foreign exchange student living with us this year. We call him "Fez" like in the
TV show "That 70's Show". He spends a lot of time in the basement like the kids
in the show do. Only he's alone. I went down there the other day. The rug was
out of position. When I moved it, I saw a star-shaped figure drawn on the floor.
At the tip of each arm were wax droppings. I asked his teacher about the
drawing. She got this horrified look on her face, screamed "Oh my god, not
again!", and ran out of the room. I couldn't find her after that. I'm going to
have to talk to Fez. While I was at the school, I talked to Jackson's teacher.
She told me that Jackson had been using phrases like "ram it, ram it, ram it up
the poop chute" and "wiping residue fecal matter off the ol' wang-o". Now I
gotta get a v-chip for the gay porn channel.
Work hasn't been much fun lately.
The boss now believes he is the reincarnation of Hitler. He's recruited several
employees to become members of his Gestapo. Surveillance cameras are everywhere.
If anyone is not where they're supposed to be or say anything they're not
supposed to say, they are taken away to be "reminded" about company policy. He's
also building his own private bunker in the sub-basement. And don't get me
started on the noise the SS Troops make as they march throughout the building.
It's so loud, no one can get any work done. One nice thing though, he's
installing showers in all the bathrooms.
Yasmeen works with the City Commission.
I don't know what they do and Yasmeen tells me I don't want to know. I don't
press her on the issue because I want sex from her. Our next door neighbor, Mike
Quimby, is a real busybody. He's always putting his nose in other people's
business. Just the other day I was out behind the garage digging a hole, because
that's where we like to dump the bodies, and he comes up to me and asks what I
was doing. I told him our daughter wanted to dig to China and I was helping her
out. He accepted that response. It's a good thing he didn't stop by later that
evening or I would've had to make the hole a little bigger, if you know what I
mean.
Yasmeen has started doing charity work. She's gone a lot. I don't ask her
where she's been or what she's doing because I want sex from her. I had to
finally give up on the old Buick. She just couldn't handle the long trips from
my garage to the street anymore (ha ha). I wanted to get a Jag, but Yasmeen
wanted a station wagon. We compromised and bought a station wagon. The kids
wanted an SUV, but I know the insurance on those buggies would be going thru the
roof. By the way, I'm selling my part-ownership in a Firestone tire shop if
anyone is interested.
Well, that's about all for this year. I would've enclosed
a picture of the family but my camera is broken, so instead of an actual
picture, I am enclosing a drawing in its place. I hope you like it. Connie isn't
in the picture because she wasn't at home when I drew it. Hope all there at your
place are happy, healthy, and un-incarcerated.
Happy Holidays!!!
The Beckers
(The information contained in this document is fictional and not intended to offend or humiliate anyone. If you are offended or humiliated, tough shit)
